First Trimester Recap
I can’t believe I’ve already made it to week 17 of this pregnancy! So this is more of an “almost halfway” recap. So far, this pregnancy has felt very similar physically to my early pregnancy with Darlene. Although emotionally, it has been a completely different experience so far.
Since I already have a wild toddler to occupy all of my brain space, the experience of being pregnant with a second child has become almost an afterthought for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am so happy to be pregnant, but I have hardly been able to connect with this babe at all yet. When I was pregnant with Darlene, she was all I thought about, daydreamed about, planned for, and envisioned. This time around, there is just so MUCH going on in the world and in our lives personally, that I feel slightly disconnected from this new life.
We have this global pandemic that has flipped our world upside down, not to mention remodeling our first fixer-upper, and a huge transition taking place at my workplace. And then there is the full time job of being a mom, a wife, a housecleaner, cook, dishwasher, laundress, you know the story. I am certain that most second-time mothers could attest to the second pregnancy being so much different than the first because our lives are fairly full to begin with before we even conceive the second child. I find it hard to believe that in just about 23 short weeks, we will have another person in our family!! I am so excited.
My early pregnancy symptoms were so similar to what I remember from my first pregnancy. All day nausea, exhaustion, and just feeling hungover 24/7. It is hard to keep up on daily life, going to work, caring for Darlene, showering, getting dressed…it is so easy to just want to give up and stay in bed all day. Depression during pregnancy is real, and thankfully I don’t get sucked down too deeply into it, but it is a struggle. It’s a vicious cycle where I don’t feel well so I slack off on housework, then I feel guilty for letting the dishes pile up, and anxiously avoid doing the dishes , and then I feel even more terrible at the end because I still feel sick, and I also have a mountain of chores waiting for me.
I am so thankful that I don’t actually do much vomiting or get Hyperemisis Gravidarum like many tough mamas, but still, early pregnancy is such a difficult time for me nonetheless. I have found that drinking green smoothies with lots of ginger early in the morning has helped me to feel less nauseous. I also think that eating constantly throughout the day helps keep the nausea at bay, as weird as that sounds.
Around 12-14 weeks, I started to emerge from the sickest time of my pregnancy,
and life became enjoyable again. Around this time, our spring weather really started to warm up and I was able to take Darlene out for walks in the forest, to the beach, or I played with her in the backyard. Just getting outside for a fraction of my day makes me feel like my day leveled up. Especially during this time of quarantine, we’ve all been so cooped up in our houses, and days can blend drearily one into the next. Getting outside for some fresh air is everything!
I am so happy that my pregnancy will span the spring and summer this time. With Darlene, I was pregnant in the fall and winter, with short daylight hours. As soon as I got home from work, it was already dark, and so easy to just climb into bed at 7 pm! This time, I am only working 2-3 days a week, so I have many more opportunities to spend time outside, and there is plenty of daylight at 7 pm anyways! I have already been so much more active than my last pregnancy.
Both Jade and I feel pretty certain that this baby is a boy!
I would be so surprised if it was a girl! But, I can’t say I’d be THAT surprised, because I’m somehow always “expecting” whichever is the biggest surprise, which in this case would be a girl? But I do think it’s a boy. Haha! This is why I love not finding out the gender before the birth. It gives you so much opportunity for introspection, predictions, dreams, intuition…I love it! I have already had one dream that the baby was a boy. I gave birth to the baby and passed out, only to wake up two days later, still in the hospital. I wanted to see my baby but Jade told me that my family had taken the baby home so I could “get some rest!” I was so confused and had to call them to find out that the baby was a boy! Pregnancy dreams are SO weird.
I had another dream about a little girl who I believe is Darlene’s future sister.
I was alone on a trip to Oregon, and I was trying to find the exit to a confusing shopping mall. Just as I found the door and was about to leave, a security guard flags me down and asks me, “is this child yours"?” I looked down at a little girl who was the exact image of my daughter. But I knew Darlene was home in California with Jade. In the dream, I called Jade and he confirmed that Darlene was there at home with him. So the little girl looked exactly like my daughter, but I knew for a fact she wasn’t mine. And yet, I loved her with every part of my being, and I knew I couldn’t just leave her there at the mall! I would take her home and figure out what to do then. I told the security guard that I would take her home. I loved her so much just the way I love Darlene. And after thinking about the dream, I believe that it tells the story of the way my heart will expand to love my new baby, and my other daughter (if I have one), just as much as I love my first born.
We get our 20 week ultrasound in a few weeks, and I am so nervous they will reveal the gender. I’m going to be sooo super clear, do NOT tell me the sex. I don’t want to know! My doctor told me to mention it twice, because 98% of parents want to find out. I really hope Jade can be with me at the ultrasound, to see our baby. He has not been allowed at any of my appointments or my first ultrasound. It is sad that fathers have been so cut out of the pregnancy care experience because of Covid-19. I am thankful that the hospital I’m birthing at allows at least one support person during the actual birth, and I’ve heard some aren’t even allowing one!! But I would like him to be at the ultrasound too, if possible. I might even find another ultrasound place that might have a different policy than this hospital.
Our first baby was born at our home, and we are planning to have our second baby in a birth center at a hospital.
I have dreamed about having another home birth ever since Darlene was born. I loved the whole experience, even though at the time I wished that pain meds were an option at home! It was just so nice to be in the comfort of my home and not worry about making noise, getting in the shower a million times, walking around naked, having my family present for the birth…the list of advantages to a home birth goes on. When we found out we were pregnant, one of the first calls I made was to my beloved team of midwives to set up an appointment. I was so excited to see them again and have them care for me and the baby during this pregnancy.
Jade was fully supportive of this decision too. But when we sat down to take a hard look at our finances, we had to acknowledge that we weren’t in the best position to pay out of pocket for our midwife care and home birth. We hadn’t saved up any money for this baby, and we had accrued some debt in the past few years. We also had the house project to focus on, which required a lot of financial sacrifice. After much thought and discussion, we decided that we must prioritize the house project and getting out of debt before we could pay for the amazing experience of midwife care and home birth. My health insurance only will cover a hospital birth, making it free of charge. As awful as that felt, we knew it was the most responsible decision to put aside my dreams of another home birth so that our family would not end up going deeper in debt for it. And because of my empowering home birth experience, I truly believe that I can have an amazing and peaceful birth, no matter where I birth.
As much as I believe that I can have a great birth in any environment, I am afraid to give birth in the hospital. I am afraid that I will ask for an epidural and feel like a failure, because I’ve had a baby once without one and I know I can do it again. I’m afraid of unnecessary interventions. I’m afraid that Darlene or my mom wont be allowed there because of Covid-19. I’m afraid that the hospital sounds and smells will take me out of my birthing zone and into fight or flight response. All of these fears are valid and I must acknowledge them fully before the baby comes.
One resource that has been helping me is the book Mindful Hypnobirthing by Sophie Fletcher. My good friend recommended it after her amazing hypnobirth last Fall. I really enjoyed listening to the audiobook, and listening to the guided relaxation tracks as I’m falling asleep. I plan on going deeper into my practice as my pregnancy continues. I want this birth to be even more amazing than my last. I want to ride the waves of contractions, not fight them in fear. I want to surrender to the rhythm of my body, and gently and peacefully bring my baby into this world. I know all of this is possible if I put in the work before hand to gain control over my mind and my reactions to “pain.” My last birth taught me so much about my fear. I honestly can’t wait to journey through the labyrinth once again, and emerge the warrior goddess I know I am.
